Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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