Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
