Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
