Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
