Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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