I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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