I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
