Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
