i was born a porn star she said
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
