I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
