Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
