Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
