I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
