Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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