Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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