you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
