He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
