Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
