shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
