She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
