Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
