hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
