and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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