I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
