I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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