I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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