sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
