Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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