ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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