"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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