I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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