Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
