Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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