i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
