My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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