Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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