How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
