dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
