I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What a dumb baby whore.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
