he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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