She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
