im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
