I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
how drunk are you?
Several
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
