I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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