I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
