you will always have a special place in my vag
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
