The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
