This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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