I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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