Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
MIDGETS
????
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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