my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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