You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
