I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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