Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
