Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
