No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
