that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
