the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
They have beer where we have blood.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
