She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
